


from hope and fear set free

by summoner_yuna_of_besaid



Series: thick skin, elastic heart [7]
Category: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Gen, M/M, Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 18:02:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5675395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summoner_yuna_of_besaid/pseuds/summoner_yuna_of_besaid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ROLEPLAY AU VERSE ::  calamity's son  ::  [ yazoo + cloud ]</p><p>Cloud, emissary of the Underworld, lives a lonely life.  Until a shadow from his past appears on Olympus, and two former enemies with nothing left to live for, find comfort and companionship in one another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. reunion

**Author's Note:**

> These are from roleplay threads written over on tumblr with childofcalamity (as Yazoo), and myself as Cloud (the-unwilling-emissary). These are set in a universe in which I set all my KH fanfiction, but this is definitely an AU of that verse.
> 
> These are somewhat complete, somewhat incomplete - as roleplay always is. They may be edited, added to, or have another thread thrown in eventually. For now, it's "complete", but Yazoo and Cloud's story isn't done.
> 
> Cloud sold his soul to Hades in a deal to save Aerith's life, and has served as the God's "emissary" for the last ten years since. He is in a very dark place, has lost everything and everyone he cares for, and has become the kind of person he hates. So this is a very somber and depressed Cloud. Fair warning.

 

 

> _From too much love of living,_  
>  _From hope and fear set free,_  
>  _We thank with brief thanksgiving_  
>  _Whatever gods may be_  
>  _That no life lives for ever;_  
>  _That dead men rise up never;_  
>  _That even the weariest river_  
>  _Winds somewhere safe to sea._
> 
>   
>  Algernon Charles Swinburne
> 
> 1837-1909, _The Garden of Proserpine_

* * *

 

I.

reunion

Cloud hesitates in the shadows, unsure.  His hands open and close at his sides, shaky, sweaty.  He takes in a slow, deep breath.  

It has been many lonely years since he began his nightmarish vigil in the underworld.  Most of the people he once knew, he avoids.  From civilians of Gaia who might simply recognize him, to old "frenemies" from Shinra, to his closest allies - his family.  He can't bear the thought of them seeing how far he's fallen, and what he's done.  The judgment would be enough to shatter his cracked heart.

But he is still lonely, bitter, and aches for someone, anyone, who knows him, who knew Gaia, to be his companion.  Since he cannot seek out those he loves and respects, he seeks out... others.  People whose opinions of him he does not fear; people who, being in the darkness, are in no place to judge darkness in others.

So he finds himself staring at Yazoo, trying to think of a way to approach him - to befriend him.  And isn't that just a kick in the pants.

The Remnant watches Cloud in the shadows, his own hands loose at his sides, and he is quiet almost as though he is waiting. Waiting for Cloud to make the first move, perhaps.

It has been years since their fight, since his ill-fated attempt at a reunion with his brothers. It has been years since he had awakened in a strange place, alone, his brothers nowhere to be found; a long search had found nothing, no trace of them.

He has been alone since. Alone, isolated. What else is there for something like him, a fragment with nothing, after all?

Cloud is his last tie to what he is.

Yazoo stares back, his bright gaze unwavering, daring Cloud to leave the shadows and approach, whether to attack or befriend.

Cloud notices himself being noticed.  That is what sets his resolve; he approaches, shoulders back, head up, trying to look sure of himself.  He’s not.

“Do you… remember me?”  It’s a strange way to open up.  But the remnant isn’t speaking, isn’t falling into a defensive pose, doesn’t seem to be reacting to the fact that it’s Cloud at all.  More that, he’s staring because someone else is staring at him.  

Still, on the off chance this really is Yazoo, the one he knew, he has to try.  “I know we -” He takes an aborted step forward, then thinks better of it.  “We weren’t exactly friends before.  And I -…”   _Failed you.  Failed to save you from her._ “Had a hand in your death.  But I…”

But what? _I’m lonely_ sounds terribly depressing.  But it’s the truth.  He’s just not sure how to say it properly.

Yazoo squares his own shoulders, a subtle movement barely noticeable beneath the thick leather he wears. His chin lifts just a little, and his stance becomes almost a mimicry of Cloud’s own confident poise, but Yazoo’s is not false confidence.

He has every bit of Sephiroth’s self-assurance. He _is_  Sephiroth, a part of him, or he was once upon a time in what seems almost like another life.

“You killed my brother.” The words are the first indication that yes, he does remember him as his head tilts to the side. He remembers the fight, Cloud holding Kadaj as he dissolves in the rain that threatened to dissolve them all, and though some of the memories have become hazy with the passage of time, he recalls Cloud’s face clearly.

Perhaps even more clearly than he recalls the faces of his brothers.

Still, where he knows he should be angry or hurt, he is not. The accusation hangs heavy, but that is all it is. There is nothing behind it. His hands still hang loosely at his sides as his gaze travels over the black sheep.

Cloud feels shame at the words.  He never took joy in killing - but Sephiroth, and his remnants, were a sore spot.  What Sephiroth had done… what they had tried to do… had to be stopped.  But he had never hated them.  He’d wanted to stop them - not _kill_ them.  

Kadaj had given him no choice.  He’d pushed and pushed towards his dangerous foolhardy goal until it destroyed him.  Cloud hadn’t had a chance to save him from the fire, before he was burned.

“I’m sorry,” He says, though he knows it makes nothing better.  Still, it feels like the thing to say.  He chuckles darkly.  “I’d offer to let you kill me in vengeance, but… I can no longer die.”  He looks up, eyes weak, hopeful, hurt.  He wants desperately for companionship.

Wait… his heart skips a beat.  “Perhaps I can do better.”  This is foolish - ridiculous.  It would damn him again.  But damned and no longer alone is better, than damned for less and still alone.  “I could - I might be able to bring them back.”

Hades has added to his sentence before, for exchanges of this like.  Cloud almost reels at the thought of 2 souls’ worth of service, but… maybe then he’d have three companions.  Maybe… then he’d have brothers.

Yazoo meets the apology with…nothing. What else can he do? Accept it? He doesn’t care for it. Let Cloud stew in his guilt, as cruel and cold as that is. Even if a part of him knows that _they_  had been wrong. They, the Remnants, the pieces of Sephiroth, they had been wrong to do as they had done. Mother had promise to fix things, but her notion of fixing things was to destroy it all, he had come to learn.

“I don’t want vengeance” is his reply, frigidly delivered yet not unfriendly, though the thought that Cloud could bring them back strikes a cord through his heart. He softens because the thought of his brothers being back…

He needs them. They are as much a part of him as he is a part of them and as much as they are a part of Sephiroth.

“Why would you want to?” Yazoo questions, suspicious of Cloud’s motivations. It could not be simply that Cloud feels guilty. Bringing back Kadaj is a foolish idea. Even one as inexperienced in the ways of the world as Yazoo is knows this. He eyes his brother closely, even venturing a few steps closer to him.

He’s not sure if the answer surprise him, or not.  He doesn’t know if the brothers really were close - or if they were using one another.  Maybe that has nothing to do with Yazoo’s desires now.  Cloud can’t say, it’s not as if he knows the man, really knows him.

In response to his question, Cloud finds himself replying almost immediately.  “I’m tired of being alone,” His voice is even, but he shivers, eyes widening.  He hadn’t meant to be so candid.  But exhaustion and sorrow can weaken the walls of the heart.

“I …”  He looks away.  “I don’t know if it would work.  I can’t promise anything.  But I would at least try. And…” _Please, would you stay?  Would you all stay with me?_ “I don’t want anything in return… you wouldn’t owe me… I just…”

 _I don’t want to make you stay.  I want you to_ want _to stay._

The fragment is surprised, to say the least, by Cloud’s honesty and sudden candidness. In his surprise, he glances around them, almost as if he suspects that the blond is actually speaking to someone else.

There is no one else. It is only the two of them.

_Does Cloud really mean to bring back Kadaj and Loz? Does he **really** want to do such a thing?_

_Because he is lonely?_

It confuses Yazoo and it shows in his expression plainly. Most of all, it is tempting to agree. It is tempting to say ‘yes’, but.

He shakes his head. “No. Leave them.” Even as he speaks the words, his heart cries because he _misses them_. “Leave them to sleep with Mother.” His tone is sadly bitter; it kills him to say no, but he has knowledge that they do not. He knows it is for the best.

He waits, and watches the flutters of emotion over Yazoo’s face.  He’s not quite surprised by the answer he receives, - but he is surprised with his own reaction.  He’s disappointed.  Disappointed because this means there’s no reason now for Yazoo to be attached to him, or to come with him to the Colisuem.  Because now, he’ll be alone again.

He wilts, wing sagging a little, but nods in acceptance.  “Very well.”  It occurs to him to say, “If there is anything else I could do… anything to atone…”  Anything to keep Yazoo from leaving.  He is half turned, as if to leave, but he hesitates, and it is clear by his pose and expression that the last thing he wants to do is walk away.

 _Atone_?

Yazoo's expression goes blank; he does not know that word. Rather, he does not know that concept. It is an alien one to him. “Atone?” Yazoo repeats, his brows creasing as he frowns. “I don’t understand.”

_What does he have to atone for?_

And it is obvious that Cloud doesn’t want to leave, either, causing Yazoo further confusion. _Why would anyone want to be around a fragment?_

Cloud sees the confusion on Yazoo’s face.  He’s feeling similarly – confused, unsure, hesitant.  He knows what he’s feeling just not sure how to make the other understand it.  “I took everything from you,”  He murmurs. “I… want to give something back.” He clenches his fists, somber eyes falling closed.  “There must be something I can do.”  For a moment the feeling of uselessness overcomes him and he feels sick to his stomach.

_Please.   Don’t send me away.  There must be something._

In a split second, there is pain in Yazoo's expression. It is brief, no more than a heartbeat, there and then gone again. Cloud is right, he knows. He _did_ take everything from him. Mother, Sephiroth, Kadaj, Loz… His reasons for existing, his purpose, all had been taken from him by Cloud.

And it does hurt. It hurts, and for a moment, it shows. The moment is gone, however, and it takes the confusion with it.

“And what would you offer? I’ve said no to bringing back what I’ve lost.”

_What do you want from me?_

“I…”  Cloud sighs, turns his head.  He can’t meet the remnant’s powerful, suspicious gaze.  “I don’t know.”  He admits.  Shrugging, he forces his gaze up, but it remains on the man’s luminescent hair, not his eyes.  “I own nothing in this world… not even myself.  But I -”  Sighs again.  “I want to try and do something.  Something to repent for my sins.”

There is… one thing perhaps.  Lifting his hand, Cloud murmurs a few lines of Greek, and his arm glows bright green.  A sigil comes to life in the air, bright, rippling.  “You can have this.”  He says.  “It will keep you safe.  You won’t be able to die, and you won’t suffer the pains of wounds.”  It’s a powerful spell, not one Hades taught him, but a gift from Meg meant to protect him from Hades’s torture.  He would rather Yazoo have it.

Yazoo watches him, empty, unmoving. His expression gives away nothing, eyes glittering eerily.

He watches the sigil, and he does admit that it is tempting to accept it. But he does not understand why Cloud believes he needs to give him something. He shakes his head. “Stop – There is nothing you can give me. There is nothing that I want.” He lets out a quiet sigh. “Such guilt, and for what… For saving the Planet? I don’t understand you at all.” The Remnant moves away, graceful as ever, and paces several steps slowly. But he doesn’t leave.

He doesn’t really want to be alone again.

At first, Yazoo’s response stings.  The rejection feels like a rejection of Cloud himself, and the blonde recoils, hand unconscious curling around his gift.  It sinks back under his skin, as if it always belonged there.  Cloud watches him move, horrified, afraid to have lost the chance to atone forever ( the chance to not be alone _please i dont want to be alone_ ), but Yazoo hesitates.

“Please,” Cloud whispers to Yazoo’s back.  His hand falls.  He doesn’t know what else to do or say.  “Please, just…”  Mouth dry, he fights for the right words, turning his gaze away nervously.  “I’ll do anything.  Just don’t go.”  His eyes prick with unshed tears and he shakes with humiliation but this is the end of his rope and he has nothing left to lose _please dont leave me im tired of being alone._

Eyes of the clearest Mako green wander, though half of his attention remains on Cloud. His words had been harsh, he knows, but he doesn’t really know how to be anything but cold and harsh.

When the blond speaks again, Yazoo turns to face him again. Seeing the expression on the man’s face… He finds himself regretting the harshness. But he does not apologize. Cloud telling him not to go, however, is not something he’d expected. Cloud? Wants him to stay? He wants him to stay so desperately that he will do anything?

The strangest part is that Yazoo doesn’t want to leave. Cloud is familiar. Better to be in the company of enemies than strangers. His gaze softens just a little.

“Fine.”

Is he hearing things…?  Cloud blinks, staring at Yazoo.  “I… are you sure?”  He feels like he’s shooting himself in the foot here but he doesn’t want an unwilling companion.  And honestly… never in his wildest dreams did he really think Yazoo would want to…

Hands clenching at his sides, Cloud turns his head away.  “I … what could you possibly want with me…”  Why is he doing this?  Because he’d expected to be shot down.  Since when does Cloud get anything he wants?  He truly wants Yazoo with him, but believes the other could do so much better.  Life around Cloud is dangerous and painful.  

Why would anyone want to be around him?

And then there is confusion. First Cloud wants him to stay, then Cloud does not. Yazoo frowns. “You want me to stay, don’t you? I agreed to it,” he answers, his words cold and biting because he is _confused_. “Why question it?”

It makes no sense to question it, not when he’s giving Cloud what he wanted. “I don’t want anything with you except companionship. I’m far from home. My brothers are gone. Mother is also gone, as is Sephiroth. Everything I knew and cared for is long gone… You’re familiar. Is it terrible to wish to cling to the familiar?” He does not care that it may be dangerous, does not care that it may be painful. He feels no fear, after all, and he’s experienced plenty of pain in his short life.

Yazoo is used to it.

“No…”  Cloud shakes his head, giddy with relief.  “No, I - I understand.  I just…”  He chuckles, humorously.  “I’m… not used to getting what I want.  To … good things.”  And this is a good thing - once upon a time, maybe not, but now… he is thrilled to have the remnant near him.  Cautiously, slowly, he takes a step towards the other.  

“I… for what it’s worth… I really am sorry.  I’ll find a way to make it up to you…  somehow.” 

 

 


	2. chest pains

II. 

chest pains

"Am I dead?"

Cloud reaches out in concern, with both his mind, and his hand.  No; no the other isn't dead, he can tell.  Yazoo still feels like a strange fluctuation in the air, a life born outside of natural laws, but still alive.  "No," Concerned, Cloud steps forward, eyes narrowed.  "Are you alright? What happened?"  Had he been hurt, attacked?  Unable to move away, but afraid to move closer, Cloud remains near, waiting.

“I…I don’t know,” Yazoo answers reluctantly once he’s stopped coughing, surprised to see the blood on his hand. “I’m not hurt.”

Cloud reaches out with his sense, brow furrowing.  “There’s no shade of death over you…”  Cloud can always feel it when death is nearing for a soul, either from illness or weakness, or perhaps some destined fate closing in.  “How’s your status?”  For safety’s sake, he tries casting Esuna, to see if that will relieve the problem.

Yazoo turns a glare at Cloud, as if to say _how dare you insinuate that I am dying_. “I’m _not_ dying,” he snaps, perhaps meaner than he intends, but only because he’s been thrown out of his element. What does he know of illness? He wipes the blood off of his hand on his own clothes hastily. The strange feeling that he needs to cough fades, chased away by the soothing Esuna.

Cloud flushes, realizing he’s offended the man.  But he can’t help it - he’s lost too many people to be unconcerned now.  Sitting back, he fumbles for what to do.  “… feel any better?” With his friends, it would be easy to know what to do; but he’s not with his friends anymore.  This is Yazoo, whose relationship with Cloud is undefined at best.  He has no idea how to offer comfort, how to be of any use.

Yazoo wipes the small bit of blood that lingers on his lips away, eliminating the last traces of weakness. It had been a strange moment. Perhaps he had been hit with a status of some sort without noticing. Yes, that seems to be a likely scenario. At the question regarding how he feels, however, the fragment almost seems…taken aback. No one had ever asked him that before, to his memory. “I…” The offense and irritation eases; the aloof man _softens_  just a little. “…Yes. I feel fine,” he answers softly. “Thank you.” And how awkward he feels thanking him.

Cloud sees the emotions flitting across Yazoo’s face, but he’s unsure of the origins.  Stiffening awkwardly, Cloud leans away with a nod.  He’s not sure what to do here.  His instinct is to pull Yazoo to his chest and never let him go, to keep him from the inevitable fate which faced all mortals for as long as possible.  It scares him a little, how attached he’s become to the man when they’ve been reaquintated for so little time.  

_You’re clinging_ , Cloud tells himself. _This is unhealthy_.  Like he’s been living a  _healthy lifestyle_ at all these last ten years.  So he surrenders to the need, at least a little.  A hand reaches out and clasps Yazoo’s.  “… I’m glad.”

The last thing that Yazoo recalls from his life before is Cloud. Shooting him, trying to kill him, trying to take him down with him because he had known his time was coming to an end and that Cloud must die because he had killed Kadaj and wanted to stop them from fulfilling their only reason for existing. 

It is becoming clear quickly that the days of being bitter enemies have died with the Planet.

Yazoo stiffens, but does not pull his hand away. He swallows, unsure. “You’re…holding my hand,” he points out awkwardly, though he knows that Cloud knows because Cloud made the move, and the thought that Cloud had _wanted_  to hold his hand brings color to his cheeks.

Cloud flushes, but he doesn’t let go.  “… yeah.”  He admits.  Nervous eye flit to the other’s.  “Do you want me to stop?”  That’s the last thing Cloud wants to do, but he’s not going to infringe on the other’s space if it’s unwanted.  Touch is one of the things Cloud misses most - touch that comes without pain, touch that invites companionship.  While he has the chance, his thumb runs gentle massaging circles around Yazoo’s knuckles.

“I-I don’t…know…” Yazoo doesn’t know. The touch is nice. It’s nice to be touched in a way that doesn’t cause pain. But it’s strange. And overwhelming. Turning his face away from Cloud, he leaves his hand in his grasp, though with each second, he begins to feel more and more like he needs to retreat into a dark spot far from, well, Cloud. “Why would you want to hold my hand?” _Is it because I remind you of Sephiroth?_

Cloud gulps, nervous, embarrassed.  “I…”  He sighs, and closes his eyes.  “Because I haven’t touched anyone without hurting them in ten years.  Or been touched, without being hurt, for as long.  Because…”  He swallows dryly, eyes watery.  “Because you know who I am.  Not the Emissary, not Hades’s pet.  You know me as Cloud.  I…”  He needs it.  He needs so badly to remember who he is, who he was.  Not this monster he’s become.

Yazoo frowns. He hadn’t really expected such a _heartbreaking_  answer, and he hadn’t expected it to hurt _him_. Yet it does. It hurts, because he had known Cloud as a hero who had saved Gaia from Mother’s destruction. And what had happened to Cloud? _This_. He lets out his own sigh and goes still for a moment, trying to think of what he should do. Then the fragment pulls his hand away from Cloud’s only to take the blond’s hand again, linking their fingers together. He’s still quiet.

Cloud’s heart shatters as the hand pulls away, his openness seeming to have turned Yazoo off… but the feeling lasts only a moment.  His breath stutters when he feels Yazoo take up his hand again, the hold reciprocal, stronger this time.  The tears he’s been hiding fall freely now, but he tries still to hold to stoicism.

“I…”  What can he say?  He’s falling to pieces, and he can’t help but lean forward, gently pressing his forehead to Yazoo’s shoulder.  He instigates nothing more, does not reach for him though he desperately wants to.  

_Tears_?

Confused, Yazoo leans in to peer at Cloud’s face, at the tears. With his free hand, he touches them lightly. He had seen Kadaj and Loz cry before, but never Cloud. The thought that Cloud even _could_  cry was not a thought he had ever entertained.

“Why…Why are you crying?” he asks, confused further when Cloud rests his forehead against his shoulder. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

Cloud shakes his head, still resting against the other.  “It’s okay,” He whispers.  “I’m just… very tired.”  It has been a long ten years.  “Forgive me, I - I’ll calm down in a second…”  He starts to lean away, to wipe at his eyes. This is foolish.  He shouldn’t be leaning so hard on Yazoo… the man, the remnant, carries such a weight himself.  He glances at the other, concerned for a moment as to whether he’s really okay.   “Are you sure your alright?”

Yazoo is concerned. A strange thing for him, to be concerned for someone else that isn’t him or his brothers. He nods, for lack of anything else because he has no idea how else to respond. How did one respond when someone cried? He couldn’t remember. “You should sleep.” He offers Cloud a smile. “I’m fine.”

After a moment, Cloud nods, seemingly satisfied, and heaves a heavy sigh.  He’s so tired.  The other had asked him to sleep; he takes the invitation literally.  Almost unable to stop himself, he simply slumps forward, coming to rest his head on the other man’s thigh.  Still, they are barely touching; he’s not in Yazoo’s lap, not wrapping his arms round him or invading his space badly.  His fluffy hair and the crown of his head simply rest against him, and it would be easy for the remnant to slip away.  Cloud sighs heavily once again, before closing weary eyes.

Yazoo had expected more. A hug, an embrace, something more than just that. Still, he can’t complain. He’s still getting used to being around people, to actively _wanting_  to be around someone. When Cloud settles and closes his eyes, the Remnant sits very still, not wanting to disturb him. He knows he could slip away, but…he doesn’t want to. His hand starts stroking the blond strands absently. He would stay.

Cloud dreams; it’s not unusual for him.  What is unusual is the subject.  He’s not reliving old memories, or suffering torments at the hand of vicious gods.  He’s… at peace.  Resting.   Images don’t really come to him, just a sense of warmth, of comfort, a feeling of not being alone.  There’s this wind… at least, it feels like it… drifting over him, brushing through his hair, warm and soft and pleasant.  

He dreams - and no nightmares come to him.  At one point he shifts, and thinks he sees a face, silver hair, _Sephiroth?_ but it’s not, there’s no violent aura, no anger, no old wounds resurfacing.  It’s - he knows who it is though his sleepy mind can barely manage it, but in the unconscious recognition he feels safe.  He can be at peace.  He settles again, eyes shut, never realizing or remembering the brief moment he’d been awake, and managed to whisper a handful of words.

_Yazoo… thank you…_

 

 


	3. bloodied

* * *

III.

 

bloodied

 

Panic.  That is the first thing Yazoo feels, though it only shows in the way his eyes glitter and his hands shake as he catches Cloud as he falls.  Even his brothers have never done such a stupid and foolish thing, taking a blow meant for the fragment, and look where it has gotten Cloud.  "Please, please tell me you meant it when you said you could not die!"  He demands, his voice a little too frantic for his liking.

At first, Cloud sputters over the blood in his mouth.  It pours from his lips but he manages to smile.  "I'll heal," He mutters, coughing again.  It occurs to him that Yazoo is holding him, his voice high pitched and worried.  It surprises him.  Could Yazoo... care?

Cloud coughs again, pain wracking him, clutching at the wound in his chest.  The blow had pierced his lung; but he'd taken the opponent down with him at least.  And Yazoo is safe.  Weary, half lidded eyes glance at the man.  "You're beautiful," Cloud mumbles deliriously.  "You shouldn't be sad."

_I’ll heal_ , Cloud says, and Yazoo is fairly certain he’s never heard something so wonderful, though he won’t fully believe it until the blond is actually healed. Perhaps he does actually care, though he will never admit it. Still, it doesn’t stop him from putting a hand over the wound.

_Beautiful_? His world seems to screech to a halt. Pink colors his cheeks, and he’s been rendered speechless for a moment. _Beautiful_? _Beautiful_. Of course, Cloud doesn’t mean it. He’s delirious and in pain. Yazoo rolls his eyes then looks away. “You’ve lost your mind. Heal faster.”

He shakes his head, feeling his mind clear already.  His promise is fulfilled.  The wound closes also as soon as its made, but the pain, the pain lingers.  Darkness can only do so much after all.  He can heal miraculously, but the agony remains, seared into his flesh.  Years of such pains still are carried with him.

“No I haven’t,” He’s still a little too loopy to be embarrassed at his words.  “You _are_ ,”  A shaky hand reaches towards his cheek.  “You look so different.  Than him.  He was so hard and cold.  You’re…”  A finger drifts down a cheek.  “Not.”  It’s inadequate, but his trembling form can’t comprehend anything better.

He pulls his hand away once it seems the wound is gone, and for a moment, he peers at the spot, searching for anything else. There is a touch of envy; if he’d suffered a blow like that, he would have been dead.

Yazoo’s chin lifts a little as the hand reaches, and he very nearly jerks back away from the touch because he’s anticipating… _not that_. Not what actually happens, which is the gentle touch. It’s not that he’s experienced only terrible touches before but that he’s experienced _nothing_. He is still very much a blank slate when it comes to whatever this is. “S-Stop saying those things.” The Remnant catches Cloud’ hand and moves it away from his cheek. “It’s…It’s strange. You’re delusional.”

“I’m sorry,” Cloud murmurs softly, eyes half lidded.  “I didn’t mean to upset you.  It’s true, though.”  It is - there’s a softness, a gentleness to him that Sephiroth lacked, or perhaps, was never allowed to have.  He smiles goofily, still running on the adrenaline high and the rush of magic that healed him.  “I like you better,” His arm falls, too tired to remain.  But it falls to the other man’s thigh, and rests there, happy to brush gently over the leather clad leg.  “You’re nice.  And you’ve never stabbed me.”  Sephiroth _really_ likes stabbing him - it’s like his hobby or something.

Yazoo, in a rare display of something resembling the normal human he isn’t, puffs his cheeks out. He turns his face away, hoping the color that suddenly floods his face isn’t noticeable to Cloud. “I’m not nice. I’ve simply never had a reason to stab you.” The source of the comment goes unnoticed; Yazoo knows nothing of Sephiroth and Cloud’s past. He knows only that they had a past of some sort. “And I’m not…I’m not upset.”

“I like that,” Cloud mumbles sleepily.  “The – not having a reason.  Please keep not having one.”  He starts to move, unconsciously snuggling closer like a dog trying to climb into its owners lap.  Yazoo was just so warm… and Cloud is cold, always cold, here and in the Underworld. “I’m glad.”  He smiles at the last remark, slowly blinking in a goofy, affectionate way, a cheerful smile on his face.  He is quite clearly high on the adrenaline, but as he lays and rests, it starts to fade off.  He’s a miraculous healer – and it reflects here as well, as his body begins returning to normal all too quickly.

“I can hardly promise anything,” Yazoo replies gently, though he doesn’t anticipate that he will have a reason anytime soon. He hopes. He enjoys having someone he knows and is friendly toward him in a world that is strange to him. A measure of surprise greets Cloud’s attempts at snuggling closer, and he raises his arms away from him for a moment before they settle back down around the blond. He doesn’t hold him, exactly, but he doesn’t push him away, either.

He lets him remain as he wishes.

Within a few minutes, Cloud's eyes lose that delirious shine, narrowing and blinking in confusion and dull pain.  Cloud groans, trying to sit up but fallingback again at the shock of pain that runs through him.  Its then that his newly cleared mind realizes the position he’s in, half laying over Yazoo, and he flushes to his ears.

“Oh Gods, I – I’m really sorry, I –“  He tries giving the other space, fearing he’s over stepped, but isn’t quite capable of moving yet.

“No,” he is quick to reply when Cloud suddenly realizes what’s happened. He must be feeling better. “No, I’m fine, Cloud. Rest. You’re still weak.”

Stunned at Yazoo’s reaction as well as his own, Cloud settles.  He can’t believe he allowed himself to be so - friendly.  And he can’t believe Yazoo hasn’t tossed him off of him.  Sure, they’re friendly now, but this is more than that.  This is intimate.  Why isn’t the other annoyed by him, or something?

Confused, Cloud forces himself to relax, to keep the pain from worsening.  It aches, running under his skin like lightning, and he hisses at the slightest movement.  Still, he doesn’t want to be a burden.  “I’ll be alright - in a minute -”  More like in a day or two, but Yazoo doesn’t need to know that.  He’ll be capable of walking again soon, and that’s enough.

 

 


	4. survivor

* * *

IV.

survivor

"It was you!  You killed me!"

Cloud flinches as if struck, but keeps his eyes level with Yazoo's.  It's the truth - it's one of his many sins and he won't turn away from it.  "I'm so sorry," He knows it's nothing, it's empty and meaningless, but he has to say something.  Tears prick his eyes.  "I'm so, so sorry,"

The words had left Yazoo’s lips without thought, and even if he’d wanted to, he could not take them back. His breathing is ragged, his eyes wild with both anger and pain; he clearly remembers his own death, the deaths of his brothers, how much it had hurt and his mind, childish as it still is, lays the blame on Cloud’s shoulders. He lets out a soft sound, like a sob, his fingers curling into fists almost as though he wants to strike Cloud.

“…You killed me…” he whimpers as tears begin to fall. “You-You killed Kadaj…You killed L-Loz…”

Cloud’s heart shatters, even as he watches Yazoo fall apart.  He aches, aches for the remnant, aches to be the cause of his grief, to be guilty of so many sins.  Cloud moves slowly forward, kneeling, arms outstretched as if to accept Yazoo into them, as if to catch him should he fall.  But Cloud remains a few steps away, just  out of reach, letting the remnant keep his space.

“I’m so sorry,” He whispers dryly, unsure of what else to do or say.  “I’m so sorry, I - I wish I had found another way, any way,”  Tears prick his eyes and he realizes that what he’s saying is the truth, not an empty platititude or lie.  He has always felt guilt over Jenova’s children but he has never felt such great regret over having been unable to save them, than he has right now, watching the fallout of his failure before his eyes.

“I… I’m so sorry…”

Yazoo can’t recall the last time he fell apart over the loss of his brothers. It might have been years ago, when he had first ‘awakened’, alive and alone. It might have been when Gaia was destroyed, destroying any chance he had of seeing them again with it. It is so painful.

His chest aches. His throat feels tight. His arm, the faint scars a reminder of his last stand with Loz, twitches faintly as he tightens the fist. Each breath leaves him through parted lips, as though he can’t get enough air. He wants to scream. He needs to scream. But he can’t.

“…I miss them…” He finds himself suddenly second guessing his decision to allow them to remain where they are instead of letting Cloud try to bring them back. “…There are two holes in my heart…It hurts.” Like a lost child, he finds himself moving forward, taking refuge in Cloud’s outstretched arms. The anger fades away, leaving only raw sadness.

Cloud takes Yazoo into his arms, falling with him as the remant’s knees give out.  His protective hold tightens gently, his head resting against the soft silver hair.  There’s nothing he can say to make this better.  There’s something he could do, but Yazoo has chosen this.  Cloud almost thinks he’s done better to do so; that he should have been able to make that same horrible, difficult choice when Hades had offered, rather than accepting and falling down this hellish rabbit hole.

One hand drifts down the remnant’s back, rubbing soothingly.  His heart aches - tears prick his eyes.  Sighing, he moves his head to the side, so his mouth is near Yazoo’s ear.  “I can’t be Kadaj and Loz…”  He begins.  “But… I could be a brother for you.  If… that’s what you want.”  They had called him that - brother.  He’s not sure what it means, what kind of bond it implies.  But he knows Yazoo needs someone, and he would be that someone.  He hopes offering was the right thing to do.

Yazoo shudders. His fingers grasp, first at nothing, then at Cloud, and he buries his face in the blond’s shoulder as he clings tightly to him. The comfort is small. He isn’t his brothers. But it is _something_ , and maybe it eases some of the pain just a little.

He is crying. He doesn’t want to cry, but he can’t stop. His tears are silent, his sobs quiet as so much of him is quiet. The offer is a kind offer, but Yazoo can only assume that it is born out of the guilt Cloud feels for his role. Yet… He feels so alone. So _lost_. He finds himself nodding a quiet agreement without words.

Cloud slumps in relief at the man’s closeness, his quiet acceptance of Cloud’s words.  His heart still aches for Yazoo, but he is somewhat comforted to know he can be of help, at least.  The man clings to him and he rubs his back soothingly, trying to think of some way to comfort him.  What can he do?  The trauma of loss is unending.  It will always hurt.  Time does not heal, it merely masks, and eventually you either learn how to pretend to live with it, or fall completely apart.

Cloud, obviously had done the latter.  He hopes Yazoo won’t follow him down that path.

It all pours out. So long of hiding the grief, of pushing it aside and trying his best not to think about it breaks to the surface. The longer he is allowed to cry, the more he does, feeling as though his entire being is breaking apart from the inside. He needs his brothers as he needs air.

It seems like forever before Yazoo’s tears begin to dry up and he is left breathless and empty. He doesn’t feel better. He doesn’t feel relief at having released it all. He only feels tired and vacant.

Turning his head, the Remnant buried his face into the side of Cloud’s neck with a small whimper.

Through it, Cloud simply holds him.  Runs his hand over his back, murmurs comforting nonsense, keeps him close.  It breaks his heart to see this, but… it is necessary.  Part of grieving is letting it hurt.  Tears prick his own eyes but he manages to stay clear-headed and calm.

Once his tears dry and the other curls into him, Cloud shifts closer, arms fully encompassing Yazoo.  “I’m so sorry,” He murmurs.  It’s not enough.  Nothing will ever fix this.  “I’m so sorry you’re without them, but - I promise from now on, you’ll never be without me.”

 


End file.
